Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
