AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
