Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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