Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
