Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just forgot I was standing up.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
