I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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