Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
