you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
me + whiskey = a bad person
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
