I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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