I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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