So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
