If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
