its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
