Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
