Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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