i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
