Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
