Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
