I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
