Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
