I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
