god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
