Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
