Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
