Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
