I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
