i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
