it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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