I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
