I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
