yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
