The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
