I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
