I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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