Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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