i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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