How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
