btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
