Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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