if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
