I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
