Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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