I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
