I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
