oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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