Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
