He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
