I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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