You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
