We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
