Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
