I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
