Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
